Monday Morning Musings On a BlogGone Bad and Back Again

I've spent part of my weekend rereading some posts from the spring of '05, when I think this blog was at its best point ever. Shortly after that, I spiralled into the worst depression of my life, and this blog slowly started swirling the drain not long after.

There were times when I considered killing this blog altogether, but mostly it was the depression talking. I didn't really believe in my writing; I started to somehow believe my blog became good because of the relationship I was in. But, recently, after doing a lot of rereading from those times, which I'd been avoiding for much of the last couple years, I realized that was a fucking ridiculous assumption I'd never have made had it not been for my chemical depression.

The reality was, my "best writing ever" began around Christmas '04 and continued the next 6-7 months, before the relationship began. My depression came on right when my relationship was ending, but was actually a result of my not-so-brilliant choice to suppress my period for three months through non-stop birth control pill use for 90 days-- with medical supervision, something I will never, ever again attempt. (With the prospect of dating looming, I'm seriously ambivalent about trying the pill at all again. Ever. Fucking with hormones can be a ticket to hell, man.)

Still, during that time, I came closer to being suicidal than I've ever been... about 8 hours before I finally got my period for the first time in 3 months I had complete fucking breakdown and had to call someone in crisis. Got my period that afternoon, and POOF, 50% better. But then began the slow, difficult climb out of a chemically/hormonally-induced depression. It took until this year for me to really feel like myself again, but now I'm better than ever. Truly fabulous. Hard work though, kids.

...But my blog's still suffering. The writing's slowly coming back to me. There are brief moments when I think I'm onto something. I'm obviously more critical of my writing than other people are, but that's how we roll, no?

I know what I'm looking for. My brash make-no-apologies self that's tempered with my empathy and my special brand of insight. We all have something unique to offer the world, but most of us spend a lifetime looking for it, and those of us who do find it are often so busy apologizing for it that it's never put to real use. Few of us every truly "believe the hype" about ourselves, and the majority of us will never even allow ourselves to be privvy to the hype.

The greatest problem with the depression I had was that a) I stopped believing in my point of view, and b) I began apologizing for it. Maybe it's arrogant to admit, but I don't give a shit: When my postings make ME laugh, when I'm caught up in the way I've said something, it almost always resonates with readers. I know when I've done good work, I don't need people pandering to me for me to believe in myself. The "good" writing doesn't happen a lot, but I cherish it when I've written something that was fun and exciting and rewarding to be in the process of creating. I can usually tell you WHILE I'm writing something if it's going to be memorable. That's when I know I'm in the zone. Too bad it's so infrequent.

Rereading my old stuff, I remember how it felt to write some of them, and I laughed. I enjoyed it. I'm having moments like that from time to time, but it's about bringing back the mojo.

I'm working on the mojo. I think this week, with its jam-packed agenda mixed with lots of fun evenings out and even some personal accomplishments, might fire up some of the mojo I'm seeking. I've secretly dubbed this week as "Project Mojo". Okay, not so secret now, but hey. Project Mojo. Sounds fun, eh?

In the meantime, though, I'm planning to continue making tweaks and upgrades to this site. It'll be slow and tedious... A bit here, a bit there, weeks in between. Remember, I'm trying to exercise for 8 hours a week, work full-time, have a life, write a blog... and build in new features on top of all that?

Fuck, someone bring me a drink, wouldja? I'm not medicating NEARLY enough. Good lord!

Happy Monday, minions. May it be swift and painless for us all. Swift and painless. Please, Cosmos?

(Of course, if you don't think this blog's been swirling the drainpipe, you can comment and make me feel fluffier and fuzzier, which is always nice and appreciated. Everybody loves positive reinforcement sometimes. :)