Further Schemings in the World of Steff

I'm having one of those "Well, maybe I could be a lesbian" moments.

It's my Idol guilty pleasure night. I usually watch it when I'm cleaning, but tonight I'm chilling. And, wow. I'm all a-twitter. Amanda Overmeyer was just so fucking hot when she knocked the hell out of Joan Jett's rocker-chick anthem, "I Hate Myself For Loving You". If ever there was a track my secret-secret inner-rocker-chick wanted to cover, it's that one.

I dunno if you've ever had one of those hate-myself-for-lovin'-'em lovers, but I assure you, there's no escaping this sublime mix of angst and eroticism that sometimes arises from it, which can be pretty irresistable to some of us. She conveyed it well. I know I convey it well, too. But not publically, and that's something I want to change. To a degree.

Me, one of the challenges I've laid out for myself in my head for this fun-laden '08 year is that of trying to reconnect with my indie rock self, get back into that feeling I had of being closer to the edge. I liked living out loud, and I'm definitely getting back on that path. But I'm doing it slowly. I want my footing to be sure.

You notice that whenever I have these "Well, maybe I could be a lesbian" phases, it's always for chicks with not-too-long hair, rocker types with fierce attitudes. It's kind of the way I view myself but I'm really not portraying it well right now. I've got it on the inside, so now it's about bringing that out. (Besides, it wasn't always internalized. Like I say, I kinda got a mini-road map here. Really outta date, but some of the main principals are there...)

It's why I don't want to take the namby-pamby route to any one goal. It's why I'm probably gonna go skydiving in June. It's why I'm deliberately painting my apartment in really bold "commitment" colours like crimson red and Tiffany blue. It's why I'm starting to stack the deck for a busy social summer of meeting new people. And why I'm saving my toonies for a fancy-ass hairdo in May or June, depending if it can even grow out that fast. (I have thick amazing hair that's the bane of my existence sometimes, but can be pretty "wow" when I work it, and that's really lost when I'm keeping it so short. So, some kinda punk rock bob with colour's on the horizon.) And maybe a tattoo, finally, for my birthday. Fun. Open mind, half-way willing... This year just gets more and more interesting for me.

But, yeah, in short? The goal this year is to become a chick I'd like to fuck. (In myriad ways.) And it's gonna happen. How's that for a goal? I suppose it depends on your taste and standards, and, for me, hey, it's nothing but the best. Besides, it's not like I don't dig myself at all. I just wanna dig me madly. Is that so wrong?

Sigh, Amanda Overmeyer. Feisty wench.