Stupid Girls Suck

For some bizarre reason I dreamed most of the night about a hullabaloo raising in my childhood town because news reports were saying how authorities were planning to arrest Paris Hilton for defrauding the public by having a fake guru.

I don't remember how it all shook down. It was a very weird dream. And now it's Monday and I have to work.

Speaking of Paris, I saw a snippet of a report on the weekend about how all of a sudden there's this screaming fear that Britney and Paris are turning "our girls" into "bimbos."

What, now? I've been saying this for three years, for Christ sakes. One of my most popular postings was on that very topic. One's here. Another's here.

A lot of girls today suddenly think their looks are all that will get them anywhere in life. Like brains are some kind of option, like having extra cheese on your pizza or something. You could go there, but why would you? Brains are so much work! Far better to show some cleavage and skip the work thing.

And this is not a little problem. This is a huge problem. This is a problem that threatens much of the progress we've made in the feminist struggle over the last century, from the suffragette battles to get us the vote all the way up to us finally having a candidate for the top job in America.

Equality's still a difficult road on which we have to travel. This unsettling trend of being STUPID because it's EASIER is pissing me the fuck off. Boobs do not compensate for brains. Boobs are nice to have, but they don't compensate for brains.

And just because some of the MEN out there are stupid enough to go dumbing yourself down for does not mean it's a good notion. The odds are pretty good that those dumb guys who WANT a stupid girl don't deserve any woman who doesn't need to be inflated before a date.

Yes, some men get intimidated by brains. My dating landscape is littered with them. So what? I'd rather they litter by landscape than choke up my life.

The trouble is, too many guys LIKE this shit, and the guys who don't aren't speaking loud enough.

I know for a fact most of the guys I've been with or known can't stand chicks like that. The guys I've been with always dig chicks like Janeane Garofalo or Sarah Silverman. Sassy, smart, and trouble. Kinda like me, really. It's too bad I'm so into freedom of speech, because sometimes I'd really like to limit some others'. Sigh.

Oh, I don't have any more rant in me. I've got exercises to do. Enjoy your Mondays, minions.

PS: I'm happy to report my home is beginning to look like a home... But I'm going slowly. I'm being way too methodical in the reorienting of my home. Last night I bought a shiny new toolbox for the first time ever, and even went so far as to separate out and organize all my screws and nails. Yeah. Scary. Everything I'm doing is that detailed, though. I'm getting it right so I don't have to fuck around with it later. :) But soon I'll be done and then I'll buy camera batteries and everyone can see how sexy my place is.

Some Ponderings on Marriage

I've taken a break from the endless task of reorganizing my entire apartment to do some reading on Arts & Letters Daily and found an interesting academic look at a major problem of our times: Breeding. Or the lack thereof. The article, through the Claremont Institute, is here. It's very hoity-toity academic writing so be prepared to give your head a shake. Some espresso and toothpicks for the eyes might help.

Here's my take on the important part of what's a growing problem. A lot of people are like me, opting out of the parenting scheme of things. And in a society where vacations and activities are advertised in rates for twos or fours, we're really aiming at either people living in coupledoms or with a family of four. Or simply staying single for simplicity's sake, like myself.

I read an article in Maclean's last year about how the Islamic world is outbreeding the Christian world, and how the time is coming nigh when Christianity will be a distant second, population-wise, to Islamic faith... partly due as well to the casual religious views being held by most modern Western world folk versus the more orthodox or fundamentalist notions that might be out there, whereas more fundamentalist views are gaining strength in the Islamic world, with the resurgence of the Taliban, stuff like that.

It's complicated, looking at the futures that loom for both Islam and Christianity. But with more and more Western people doing what I'm doing -- opting out of the religion I was raised under, and choosing single independent life -- we're imposing limits on just how far our way of life can continue. If we're not breeding, and that's gaining popularity this decade, then just who IS doing the breeding?

But am I prepared to deviate from the me-driven life I envision for myself just so I can help prop up the basically atheist, hedonistic segment of society? Nah. Even if it means it'll help dwarf the ratio of atheists versus fundamentalists out there? Nah.

So I accept that I'm definitely a part of the problem. People like me choosing hedonism over the noble act of continuing lineage and personal philosophies, well... that's just not team playing, is it?

The thing is, marriage has taken a lot of hits in recent past. In other cultures, where marriage numbers are possibly higher, the rates of unreported violence and angst are much higher, too. We've done a lot of exposing how bad marriages can go, how wrong domestic violence is, and how much each of us as a person deserves in life versus what religion dictates we must endure. Also, when marriages do go bad, the blowback is legion, isn't it? Us kids raised under the clouds of divorce and broken homes, we know there are no do-overs, and the scarring never really goes away.

And that, I think, is the biggest difference between Eastern and Western views right now, in 2008. Society has pulled away from the church-induced perspective on how enduring ills while keeping the faith equates living a virtuous life. Religion tells us, by and large, that we need to live lives of servitude. Marriage is sacred, a vow to live up to in the face of grave challenges, right?

But nowadays we live in a Virginia Slims society. We've "come a long ways, baby", and now believe in entitlement. You know: Is that all? We've earned more. We deserve better. There's got to be more than this.

Your spouse overspends? Driving you into debt? You've not been laid in six months and you sleep six inches apart? There's no communication anymore? You deserve better! There's more to life than that! You've earned it!

You've come a long ways, baby!

I believe in divorce. I believe in saying enough is enough when it comes to being unhappy day after day. But I also believe that divorce is a last resort... At the same time, I think marriage is rushed into, ergo compromised from the start. Most people, I feel, fail to really explore the rightness of marrying their partner -- beyond the "wow, I love" him/her obvious, I mean. Money, sex, entertainment, ideas of how to spend a Sunday... these are very important issues that you need to have in common or even be on the same page about. You can't say "Well, he's more of a fetishist in sex, but he doesn't mind not getting kinky with me..." Forever? He won't mind it forever? Are you really sure that 20 years down the road without something he really digs it's not going to be a problem?

People are incredibly naive about marriage. You can't "work it out" down the road. You got to have your shit together before you go there, or else you need to assume it'll never come together. Then, once you have it together, the marriage is all about keeping it together, working to keep things reasonably so for the longterm.

Marriage is broke, man. It really is. We need to do some fixing. We need to have more faith in life, more reason to invest in the future and do some breeding. Right now, not getting married, not facing the hellish divorces most of us my age or younger have endured, is a pretty damned attractive option.

"I can live on my own, have sleepovers when I feel like it, never have to drive a kid to soccer, can keep my finances in check, and can be grumpy alone when I want? Score. Sign me up, man."

And, until it starts looking like we're really missing something... until it starts looking like marrying and having kids and living the big American Picket Fence Dream is too full a life to choose the empty living-solo life... well, that's going to continue to be the case.

When I consider the chaos and seeming routine of family life, I don't feel I'm missing out. My life, as "empty" as it is, is a canvas to be filled whenever the urge strikes. And I don't have to clear it with anyone. Gotta say... it's certainly very freeing, this life of mine. And it's not surprising more and more are agreeing with me.

What are your thoughts? How do we "fix" marriage? Is it fixable? Whaddya think of those like me, living single with no regrets?

One Thing at a Time

Do you realize there's an entire generation that has grown up without knowing what life before multitasking was like? I think this photo I found says it all.

Looking around my "someone's been painting around here... and took last weekend off" apartment, I felt a little overwhelmed. "Well," I thought. "The dishes are a great place to start. I'll just do one dish at a time."

Then I thought, "Wow, wouldn't that be great? If life was just something you started and finished, never getting interrupted by emails or calls or silly things like jobs?"

And I remembered how life didn't use to require multitasking, like checking cellphones when you're waiting for a bus or stuck in traffic, or having to email before bed at night. I remembered how life once maybe involved a little TV, or the radio, maybe a phone call... but, mostly, you were pretty much left up to your devices.

Now, I don't know about you, but I'm a bit of a mass media geek. I'm really into the messages used to try and sell us on things. Technology, for instance, was supposed to make our lives easier, bring us closer together.

Back in the post-war boom, when America began dreaming of a bigger, easier, sleeker, push-button future, when the '50s rolled around, the message was "Machines will do everything for you, and soon! In the future, robots will be our servants, machines will do all your housework, and you can live the good life! Technology... the solution to all your problems!"

Here we are, a half-century into the high-tech/digital world. I'm telling you, remembering my open-door, born-in-the-'70s childhood on the heels of the hippy movement here in Vancouver, and comparing it to the hectic, frenetic, "You're my neighbour?" anonymity of living in the modern era... Geez, I don't really know that the pluses are outweighing the negatives. You know?

And I love my technology. I've always been one of the first to get the new toys that interest me, like digital cameras, iPods, laptops... I'm a bit of a geek. I'm the first person to freak if I can't check my email every 12 hours... but that's kind of the problem.

Here I am, interrupting dishwashing to blog, distracted again by a virtual world, pulled into communicating with people I'll never meet, never know, and who'll never buy me dinner. Do I even get anything at all out of this bargain? I don't know. It's the guise of a relationship that never needs to really be tested.

And that's part of the problem with our day and age. We're big fans of relationships that don't need testing. The people you know in forums, through blogs, in Facebook groups, they're not "friends"... they're names on a screen. They'll never help you hide a dead body at 4 in the morning, but they might tell ya how to Google someone who can.

In a time when multitasking and 200-character-or-less text messages are the backbone of our lives, we're forgetting how to have meaningful moments. Times when time stops and the world outside remains exactly that: outside.

Being with someone used to mean really being present. Now, there's advertising everywhere to distract you, text messages, portable entertainment systems (for everything now, really)... How often do we actually let the world come to a full stop around us? How often do we really take back our time? How often do we control what influences us?

We're bombarded by the modern age so much so that we don't even realize how ever-present quality of life compromises are, and how much they're harming us. CNN recently published a big shocking expose I first wrote about two years ago, in which they're learning that the amount of pharmaceuticals present in our water -- from people toilet-dumping old, expired drugs or even cocaine, birth control pills, or any pill you can imagine -- are having unknown effects on us. You should hear some of the theories, like how disposed birth control pills are causing estrogen spikes in urban water sources and this somehow explains the recent rise in "metrosexual" males versus their rugged country counterparts. (Hey, it's a theory out there, man. I don't make this shit up.)

Hell, a scientific report has come out linking nightshift work with cancer spikes because, the theory goes, humans are fucking with natural circadian rhythms that went unchallenged and unchanged since the dawn of man... until the invention of electricity. Now we defy millenias of circadian programming with a 24/7 world that never sleeps.

Everything has changed. Everything is faster. Me, I want to slow it down. I want a life where multitasking's something I do out of necessity and only when occasions arise demanding it, not something I want to continue doing out of normality.

With summer hanging tantalizing close now, I long for those late night thought-provoking conversations I'd have with my friends, staring at the stars from a sandy beach, before any of us had laptops or cell phones or distractions. It's not the same these days. Not as often, anyhow.

When science-fiction writers foretold of a world where computers and machines would be social intermediaries in our lives, I don't think any of us could have predicted just how far-reaching and endemic their impact would be.

And now that the ride's in full swing, what do we do if we want off? Finding myself a private cabin on the rugged BC coast isn't really all that feasible, since I like my urban life. Slowing it down will take work. The trouble is, slowing down my life doesn't mean those around me will do the same, and that's the problem. Whether we like it or not, we're often brought along when other peoples' lives are caught in these whirlwinds.

It's making it even more complicated to meet new people. As I embark on my "new life", I'm trying to figure out a tactful way of asking "Are you one of those people who text messages on your Blackberry while talking to your friend... while you're driving downtown? 'Cause, if you are..."

It's about priorities, man.

Or is it? Maybe they don't get that life's not that bad when you can actually sit in your apartment, in silence, hearing the splatter of tread on a wet road nearby or your neighbour's wind chimes clanking in a gust. I don't know. But I know what I consider "real" in life. I know I won't be regretting that I didn't answer my cellphone more when I'm a week from dead and buried, man. I know that, at least.

And I know I've got more dishes to do... one at a time.

(If any of this resonates with you and you wonder what one does to slow down the speed of life, you need to learn about the Slow Movement, and the guy who best encapsulates it as food for thought is Carl Honore in In Praise of Slow. Check out his book's blog here.)

Sign o' the Times: The New Old Banner!

Minions, oh, minions, do yourself a favour and "refresh" your page if you don't see this snazzy new banner. You dig?

It's a more sophisticated tilt of the hat to my original banner on my original blog, The Cunting Linguist. I don't remember my original thinking for why not to do a tweak on that banner for here, but I've obviously had a rethink a year and a half later, so here's what ya get.



I need to take some time in the next couple weeks and do something I dread: Go back and read nearly 2 years worth of postings in order to find things worth sticking in the sidebar. I don't read my stuff often. It's a pretty fucking mixed bag, the doing of it. Something typically best done with a big bottle of red wine and no place to go in the morning.

I'm not particularly enthralled at the prospect, but it's time, man, it's time. It'll probably be in keeping with this "time of growth", and might do me good to remember what hellish muck I've crawled through the last two years. All there in its not-so-splendid blogging glory.

I mean, the supposed "best of" in the sidebar really has not been updated in about 18 months or so. I suspect I've got one or two worth archiving in that time, so. I'll be sure you letcha know when I update the list, which'll have new section headings and even more organization... plus a lot of shit will be turfed.

Now I asked people for links they wanted me to "blogroll" a while back but things went nuts. Please resend your links to me, and I'll be happy to check it out. Thanks. Or, if you never sent it and want to now, go fer it.

Also... I know I haven't been posting letters, and I've even been shitty at answering them of late, but I'm back in action here and do want letters to answer, so please hit me up. Or just say hello. I like hellos. Or ask a question. Both work. Drop me a line.

Ooh, I'm so glad I've changed banners. It felt so boring around here. Much, much better. Much more work to do... but hey. So, send me them questions or dilemmas and let's see what we can get going here.

Mo' Bettah Steff: Phase 3... Living the Good Life

Somehow, magically, my guestimative calorie-counting (while completely ignoring the fat numbers) consumption of a beer-and-pizza diet for the last three weeks resulted in weight loss, and I am a very, very grateful thoroughly Canadian girl who really does love the occasional beer-fueled manual labour sessions. Fuel crisis? Pfft, we've got beer!

(Beers I drank this work experience, by the case: San Fran's Anchor Steam (x2), Newcastle Brown Ale, Brazil's Brahma. Worldly, no?)

Now, however, comes the hard part: continuing the weight loss when not having four-day weekends filled with manual labour. I watch television for a living, and eat at my desk, so my job's one of my major enablers, man.

And, unexpectedly, a challenge-cum-inspiration arises. My father, who nearly died from a diabetic episode 15 months ago suddenly seems to care about life again and says he's radically changing his lifestyle to lose weight... no more sneaking McDonalds or slathering fat into his meals. He's cut out butter, mayo, cheese, and bread. And he says he's doing it because I've inspired him. I so totally did not see that happpening.

Now I'm feeling so guilty... Beer and pizza for three weeks, and there's Pops cutting out everything and being all focused.

I'm a recovering Catholic feeling well-deserved guilt, meaning I'm pretty much crippled by it. Wow!

But it's cool. I'm so glad I've finally gotten my dad invested in life a little. I've kind of come to this place where I fully accept he could go at any time... and I was expecting him to do just that. He's fightin', though. I'd really, really love to have a father who appears to enjoy life again. There's nothing sadder than seeing those you love feel as though life is a chore to fight through. So tragic, that.

And my father's sudden optimism and passion invigorates me to get back on program here in a hurry. Can't have my father, who can't exercise, beatin' my ass here. I'm right back in the swing of the exercise thing now. It's slowly beginning to command more and more attention in my life. I'm liking this feeling of power that comes from knowing I'm physically strong. And how, man. Wow.

What's great is that the bottom of my belly, which was always the hardest to do anything to, is toning like nobody's business now. All my problem areas are. And I can't even tell you how confused I am about it. Beer and pizza. Makes me think I need me a career in the housepainting bizness, man.

So enter the new phase of Mo' Bettah Steff. This month's focus is simply getting on page both physically and dietarily. I want to not just eat the right numbers, I want to rekindle my passion for cooking. I want to make good, healthy, fresh food. I want to practice active gratitude by not only trying to eat everything I make, but to use everything I have. Like, tonight saving my basil stalks and tossing them in the freezer so I can make a nice vegetable stock on the weekend as a soup base for healthy but easy eating next week.

Part of the eating wiser thing comes from just being aware that there's a growing food crisis in the world and I need to reduce my waste and practice smarter food skills for fiscal reasons, too. And I can get healthy in the process.

Also, I'm a big fan of the "Slow" food & lifestyle movement, and this month focusing on using my time for both activities and cooking means I'll have a slower life, too. Over all, that's something I'm aiming toward as a longterm life goal. We live too fast today. It's fucking crazy. Problem is, most people go lemming-like into the dark chaos of modern life and don't realize that every "on" switch naturally comes with an "off" switch as well. You hold the power, man. Me, I am at one with my "off" switch. It's balancing the two I have troubles with. How to be equally on and off, that's the question.

All of these things are significant cogs in the wheels of change in my life. Health, environment, wellbeing, fresh food, time management, money sense... What can I say? Sounds like a nice, healthy life, right? Yeah, hence the gameplan.

Speaking of, part of my getting-a-life plan comes into effect this week, too. Joining a casual women's athletics group. The first basketball game's later this week.

I promise myself I'd be throwing it in high gear for April. I granted myself excessive slack and sleep on this just-passed long weekend. Oh, did I ever. But I figured I could use the rest, and then would put pedal to metal for... well, the foreseeable future. Thus the focus on a good diet this month, too. Going to be needing that where I'm going, baby.

Whew. Gonna be a long summer. (If this motherfucking sub-seasonal stretch of chilly-ass nipple-perkin' goddamned weather ever subsides. I ride a scooter, for fuck's sake! Bring on spring!)

Pressing Pause on the Existential Player for a Spell

(Decided to sit on this a day, but I'm publishing as-was for posterity's sake.)

I wrote a posting yesterday that took me by surprise because I found it to be more personally oriented than I thought it'd be. It was one of those writing things that starts with "Well, I'm having eggs for breakfast" and after 250 words turns into a treatise on the human condition of hope and the political cures for it.

Yeah, all right. So this is why, even when you think you have nothing to say, you start with what you know: I just had eggs, I feel warm and fuzzy inside. And, hey, I just read this speech...

I don't know, I found writing that post to be somewhat jarring emotionally, which is what surprised me, and greatly.

In this historic speech of his, Obama talks about how this change he envisions for the country will not be an easy road; it'll be long, hard, and fraught with emotionally challenging reckoning.

At the start of this year, I sort of laid down a mental list of things I felt I needed to work on in order to make my life into something that is an ideal that works for me and allows me to achieve the work-life balance I've longed for, with a big focus on the health and home parts of life.

I knew it was going to be hard, and I knew it'd involve a lot of headtrips for which I'd be packin' a whole lot of mental baggage, and I figured the journey would be pretty bumpy with a lot of stop-and-go.

I was bang on. There are moments when I'm feeling really overwhelmed by the mess I've gotten myself into this year and it just keeps feeling like the work to do is so much greater than the work that's been done. Which is true. It will continue to be long and hard. Probably for at least another year.

Now and then it pays out for a short while. Like, this weekend, as the literal mess around me is coming to the beginnings of a close. That'll keep me happy for 24 or 36 hours, and then I'll realize I've more to do to get myself out of not only this rut that defined my life in recent past, but most of the life that preceded it.

Most of what goes on behind closed minds isn't really yet fit for publishing, so you'll have to content yourself to know only that the mental turmoil is great that one goes through in revisiting every thing about one's life to decide what parts of one are worth keeping as-is, but also what parts need major updating.

It's a endless flashbacks through a lifetime of moments that might've been, should've been, and even great ones that were. It's a kaleidoscope of yesteryears, but it ain't all pretty and going into the light. Some is dark, dark, dark.

And it's really, really hard to remember that, beneath all the areas that require work, lies one hell of a frame befitting of such a remodel. The parts that are worth keeping are the parts so deserving of this work now. That's the thing that's hard to remember, the thing that's worth repeating every single day. Everything is worth this outcome. This is worth that.

There are no magical red shoes you click three times and say matter-of-factly, "There's no one like me" to mystically propel you into the idealized dream self you hold deep inside.

No, instead, the phrase "only human" comes up time and time again as one battles their way to a better self. Weakness and temptation rear their heads constantly. And there's that horrifically skewed perspective.

Daily we stand before mirrors scrutinizing ourselves, with millions of synapses firing, more thoughts than we'll ever even know are thought in a blink of an eye as we stare at our sleep-weary morning or nighttime faces. So many of the thoughts well beyond our control, many not to our advantage. Like Oasis sings, "All your dreams are made, when you're chained to your mirror with your razor blade...." So too are our judgments.

Every moment we live, we judge ourselves a little. "Oh, I should have done this." "Next time, I'll do it this way..."

And every little fuck-up, shortcoming, failing, they add up, stuffed into little drawers in the recesses of our minds. Filed under headings like "whoopsies-daisies" or "colossal screw-ups", 'cos we've all been there, we've all had the inner groan in which we wish we could've had a three-minute do-over 'cos that never shoulda happened, right? "If only."

Usually, though, after a little while, our psyche leaves that filing room, turns off the light, and that moment's never unearthed again. But when you're going through a process of evaluating yourself, it's like a board of review of your existence being conducted; all the evidence should be reevaluated, and, unfortunately, most of it is.

In my older, wiser self, I'm cutting slack on certain things in the past. I'm consciously remembering life is fluid, and far more flexible than our fears would have us believe. I'm holding to certainties like hard work pays off and desires can be actualized. I know my failings in the past have made me who I am, and will so greatly temper who I become, adding depth and understanding. All for the greater good, right? (And, thankfully, my life has had great deals of good in it, too. Living for the moment really has advantages.)

It's a strange and turbulent time for me, though, and I'm wising up pretty quickly in the process. I'm also proving very quickly to myself that I can in fact make all the change I'm dreaming of become a reality. I'm doing it week by week, accomplishing more of my vision, and the feeling is an aphrodisiac for itself; doing it makes you want to do more of it, despite the ordeals that may lead up to the payoff.

It's a wearying toil sometimes, and an emotional road. Like any epic roadtrip, rest stops are required. This weekend's a rest stop. I'm at the end of another phase of the reinvention of Steff, and a little quiet time is needed so I can mentally map the next segment of this journey of mine.

Having a clear idea of the real, constructive steps I must take to make my dreams become reality is by far the most important part of my battle. I couldn't do this every week if I didn't know the real steps I can take that will always yield real results, results that add up into moments of change.

And I guess when I was sitting there yesterday thinking of why it is Barack Obama's tremendous speech on race and the struggles that must be faced to conquer demons of the past in order to actualize a nation held in the ideals of its very own framework, the constitution, I couldn't help but think of how much it is I feel I am entitled to but have not yet earned, and how much I need to understand where it is I'm coming from before I can truly know where it is I'm going.

I cannot say how great it feels to be able to reference a political speech as a thing of inspiration. These have not been inspiring times to live through of late, and to find such a thing of hope and realism on the political landscape was and is a jarring experience, but one I'm beginning to hope there's a lot more of.

Meanwhile, for me, it's back to the musings of a closed mind. Enjoy your day, good people.

A cycling jacket I have owned for eight years that has never, ever been loose, and has mostly been too small to wear, is now, officially, loose... and I have a fleece sweater on under it. The thing is comfortable, roomy. I had no idea I'd come this far so soon, and spring's just beginning.

What a lovely little moment for me. This is the whole point of all this grief. That I'm two pounds from my lowest weight since college 15 years ago is icing on the cake.

But there's still so far to go, so I'm off for a lazy early spring evening ride.

Politics as Usual, Or?

I've now both read Obama's entire speech on racism in America today and watched it, and, boy, I like this guy, man. I like him a lot. I think he's the politician I've waited a lifetime for. I don't think anyone could run on a platform of complete change and not achieve any. I don't think you can articulate what's so wrong with a country today and not have had ideas for a lifetime on what to do to fix them if a chance ever comes.

I have, for a while now, believed that Obama is, in some respects, a master manipulator, but I believe he does it for the right reasons -- to make himself a viable candidate. By not polarizing people too greatly earlier in his career, he can stomp his feet a little louder now and achieve more through it.

He's far from perfect and I have no illusions, but you gotta understand where I'm coming from.

I never pursued my journalism career for any number of reasons, but mostly because of what Stevie Cameron said to me over drinks after a conference she spoke at. (And I mean "said to me", it was a private chat.) Stevie Cameron's the journalist who exposed Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney to be a duplicitous thieving hack back in the day and blew open the Airbus scandal. She's up there with Barbara Frum when it comes to awesome female Canadian journalists, man.

So, she says to me I seem like a nice kid (I was 22). She had recently quit the mainstream political journalism beat and was now editing a women's lifestyle magazine instead. She began to speak about how a career in journalism means committing to a life of finding fault in everything and everyone. It's about finding problems and covering tragedies and wars and more often reporting on the worst of mankind than the best of it.

And I mentioned how I wanted to be the kind of old-school journalist that lasts out the ages, you know? Mencken, Murrow. Men of meaning and agenda. I wanted to call the world on what was going wrong, point it out, and be a part of the change that ensues. I was then and am now the sort of journalist that believes neutrality is overrated. I'm objective, not neutral. Then, I was an idealist, totally. I wanted to help change the world.

So she says, "And when it doesn't change on your watch? What then?"

She pointed out the rates of addiction and alcoholism amongst the journalists she knew, and said that was often "what then", so if change was my mandate, I should be prepared for stagnation and cycnicism.

Wasn't the most heartwarming bit of encouragement I've ever received, no.

And I thought about it. I knew the writer I wanted to be, the kinds of things I wanted to do, but what if I fell short and I was some chick on a beat in the city, constantly exposed to the same shit all the time, never seeing change... who would I become then? Would I like myself? Would I like my life? Or, would I, as I suspect, feel vapid and empty inside?

Ironically, I've yet to become that writer I wanted to be, but I guess I'm working towards it.

When it came to shaping the writer I am, I was a huge Hunter Thompson fan, early Hunter, you know. Sharp as a tack politically. Fear & Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72 stands as one of the best political books last century. Hell, he was the only writer on the campaign to call every single primary in the '72 election, nailed 'em all. Whatever that tells you about his political skills, it should really tell you how well he knew his country.

He loved America but hated what was happening to it. Thompson, more than anyone alive, wanted to believe the American Dream. He spent his life waiting for the next voice that would cry out that a change would be a-comin'. He wanted to believe that someone else not only believed in the American Dream but would fight for it with the fight it deserved.

And Carter tried, but pretty much failed, but beyond Carter, that change never did materialize. Clinton looked like the next great white hope, but that ended in a disaster of cigars, blue dresses, and denials. More business as usual, more corruption, more disappointment.

The greatest tragedy of this race to lead the Democrats is that, man, Hunter woulda loved this one. God, how I wish he hadn't put a bullet in his head that February day two years ago. I suspect he figured "Superbowl's over, and Bush has two fuckin' years to go, AND it's February. Fuck, I'm done." Pow. Tragic.

And here comes this guy who says America's really, really broke, but if we all pull together, we can fix it again. He's preaching change. He's raising money on the web, running a clean campaign, chanting words like "we can" and "change".

Business as usual ain't going to fix America. Voting outside the box, though, just might. Obama ain't perfect, but he's different enough to be promising.

...And in a life filled with business as usual and disappointing politicians, I'm being given a few short months to believe that, yeah, maybe things can be different after all. I'm enjoying it. If he wins, it'd be incredible to see an optimistic America again. I don't think Americans realize that the America of the American Dream is the nation the rest of the world really does long to see. We wanna see a country with its "best" at its forefront. It's been a long, long time since we've seen that. America was built on dreams... having a few more right now certainly might not hurt.

I don't think I'm an idealist to believe in a platform of change. I think of myself as a realist... I know we have it in us to have a better world. I prefer to believe in that part of us that finds cures for diseases, sends men to the moon, and creates global vehicles like the internet to unite us all through the miles that would appear to separate us. I believe that everything great about who we are, the world we have, and the people we can be all begins with a single dream by a single person at a moment in time.

If we waited for perfect people and perfect opportunities, we'd never achieve anything. Instead, we look for the best people of those available and the best opportunity that avails itself to us; that is how success is found and had.

So I'm going to go on the record here and now that it's Obama I want on Pennsylvania Avenue.

(And here's hoping that his comments on racism will do what Hurricane Katrina almost did, but failed to do: ignite a real, meaningful discussion of what's wrong between the races in the United States today. It's a problem we see very clearly up here in Canada, something that is very much a difference between our nations... our inner cities are racially blended. Sure, there's poverty, but it gets spread around more. In the US, the colour blocks are a startling thing to behold, and something I would love to see changed in my lifetime. But it's a huge topic for another time.)

Happy Easter Long Weekend!

I don't think my American readers get a long weekend, and I don't know about other countries, but it's a four-day weekend for some of us Canucks (three days for others, but that's complicated to explain!).

...So happy Easter weekend, everyone!

Here in Vancouver, we've been getting faked out by Mother Nature. It was warmer three weeks ago than it is now -- new snows cover all the mountains here in town, and it's getting pretty nipply on the scooter. But that's okay. My weekend will be spent polishing off the cleaning around my newly decorated digs, and getting in touch with my bike to get myself "in cycling gear" for spring. Fun!

My theme for the next month? Total fitness -- eating healthy as often as I can, excerising intensely and regularly. I've only lost a pound this week, but it's a nice one: It brings my total to 25 pounds over the winter, and is a fine way to start the first day of spring! April will be a 10-pound month, I'm callin' it now.

Enjoy your weekend, all. God knows I'm gonna. :)

Further Thoughts on Steak and Blowjob Day

I had a comment left yesterday on my posting from last Friday, in which I flippantly lauded "Steak and Blowjob Day".

To save you from doing actual work, I'll excerpt Virago's well-written comment, and the ensuing comments from yours truly (and HER last reply) here:

Virago:
"Steak and Blowjob Day"? Because sex in relationships isn't about mutually consenting, loving sexual acts (including oral), it's about tricking your girlfriend into sucking you off while you watch TV and eat a MANLY chunk of dead animal. Just as VDay is about forcing your man to buy you poorly-made consumer capitalist crap to 'prove' how much he cares.

VDay and 'S&B Day', enforcing the gender roles that women only put out when plied with gifts and diamonds, and that all men really want is a housewife/mother and a sex slave.

Me:
You know, it's funny. I'm totally torn on Steak & BJ day. On the one hand, I agree with you. On the other, I think it's entertaining. I guess it would totally come down to the guy I was with, whether I'd think it could be fun or not.

Unfortunately, there's probably a lot of men out there who wouldn't see it as something amusing... as soon as a sense of "entitlement" enters the picture, it stops being a fun thing.

Virago's reply:
I think you've hit the nail on the head there. If it was part of a jokey 'hey hun, it was Chocolate Ice Cream and pussy eating day last week, now it's steak and a blowjob day' thang then it'd be fine, just a bit of fun. Sadly I think a lot of guys, as you pointed out, would see it as "hell yeah, I'm entitled to a blowjob, because I'm always doin' shit like listening to her and not hittin her around so much as I used to", in which case it is to be rigorously opposed. If necessary with baseball bats ;)

Here's the deal. When I write about "guys", my somewhat shallow notion of men in general by way of the ones I've known, loved, lost, forgotten, what have you, I'm generally coming from a good place.

Most of the men I've known, hell, all of them, have known "please" and "thank you". I've never been insulted or run down, mistreated in any really cruel way. I've never been hit or slapped. Things that have gone wrong have been pretty run-of-the-mill things, things that are complicated to explain and that I barely even understand now, years after the fact, except the infidelity, which is pretty easy for anyone to relate to.

No man I've ever been with has ever had a sense of entitlement to me or my time. Because I'd never, ever, ever settle for that kind of guy. I wouldn't settle for the kind of guy who'd put me down, abuse me, demand things of me, or disrespect me.

I don't demand good behaviour, I just expect it. There's a difference. I behave how I expect to be treated: I show respect, I'm generous, I'm open, I listen. And I expect all of that in return. I don't get it, then I know where the door is.

[FYI: This doesn't mean I feel fluffy and warm towards my exes. Visit me here where I live, Planet Earth, where past + relationships seldom = thumbs up.]

Yet, there are assholes out there. Not so much in my life, but they're out there.

Unfortunately, I choose not to preface all my statements or postings with qualifications because some fuckwits have to go complicating my storytelling. I mean, really: "This following posting, when speaking of "men", is actually referencing a select 57.6% of men who don't think of spouses as glorified beer-fetching units."

Assholes suck. Pricks with senses of entitlement deserve neither a steak, nor a blowjob. I'd rather not incriminate myself by suggesting what some of these men do deserve. But I have a really, really creative imagination and I love "dark" movies.

And, yes, it holds true that the always constant of pricks in the male race should be omnipresent in females as well. Where there are assholes, there are wenches.

So, I say this to you now: Mean people suck.

They do. Bumperstickers prove it. Polls are overwhelmingly showing that mean people are really, really disliked.

Therefore.

Therefore, only truly, truly nice guys who don't think they really even deserve a steak and a blowjob, but, boy, they sure could use one, should be given a steak and a blowjob.

But since those are generally the only kinds of guys I tend to date (and they usually really, really enjoy steaks and blowjobs, I've found, albeit rather separately) then, you know, yeah, I'm not opposed to the gifting of said elements of delight.

Were I dating fuckheads who thought I existed only as a beer matron and blowjob-giver, I'd have one hell of a different perspective. Rightly so. In fact, the one guy I was with a long while ago who always "expected" blowjobs as part of the package stopped getting them. Hmm. Go figger.

I was raised to never settle, to never allow others to hurt me, and to never allow anyone to speak down to me. I try not to hurt others or speak down to them, and should hope I never cause anyone to settle. Living by these things hasn't failed me yet, and I prefer to live a life where I think they won't ever fail me. I'd rather believe the best in others than suspect the worst.

So, being a little vulnerable and making a gift of a steak and a blowjob might be something I'd do for a guy I knew saw the humour in it, but I'd probably do it out of the blue and not on a restricted "day", because I'm non-conformist like that and it's just how I roll.

But in restrospect, it was a stupid, flippant posting, and I shouldn't have posted it without a little more insight, but I haven't really been in my right head of late, as you may have gathered. :)

Mean people suck. No blowjob for you, meanie, and I'm keeping the steak. Behave, be nice, and the possibilities are endless.

It's The End of the Painting Whirl, And I Feel Fine

Aw, minions. Someone call the office and tell 'em I'm never coming in again.

Okay, that's just the kneejerk Monday reaction. Why? Because I can't even begin to believe how much I've gotten done this weekend. I'm clearly indestructible. Obviously those Borg implants have made me into a tower of force.

I mean, I even assembled tricky Ikea things this weekend, man. I came, I painted, I reassembled, I tidied, I conquered. And now I'd like to die, but instead I'm chowing down on Shredded Wheat with strong coffee chasers, dreading 7.5 hours of work flanked by rainy scooter rides wearing my no-longer-waterproof riding gear. Perfect Monday morning.

But I'm almost done around the house, man! Yeah! (Okay, not even close, but... Hey! Serious progress! "Day" projects remain, but no more "weekend" projects.)

And the things I've come across. Finally I can end the all-consuming hunt for the Babysitter's Certificate I lost 22 years ago. It's been located. Whew, what a stress off my mind. Wow. I can resurrect my long-lost babysitting career after two decades of hiatus. Hell, I even found my "Cooking with Mom" cookbook I made my mom when I was in Kindergarten (1979). Let's make cookies!

Nothing like completely rearranging your home, painting everything, swapping out furniture, and going through every little thing on the way to give you the world's biggest glimpse at what has been your life. Man, I felt like a beaming white spotlight was going to land on me and a big voice would boom, "Scribe Called Steff, THIS is YOUR life!"

"Remember this rock? You found this on Nye Beach in the spring of '99 and turned it into a pen holder! You industrious girl! Remember the promise you made your maker as you stared out on the rollicking Oregon ocean? That's right! Say it with me..."

Very, very, very weird weekend. This is what happens when you spend too much time alone. Way too many lapses into yesteryear remembrances this weekend. Weird, weird times.

The good news is, my self-imposed isolation is over. Now I start peeling back the layers and start having a life again. And now that the gruelling physical labour's done around my house, I need to bring the stairclimbing back in. Plus, the exciting experience of cooking food. Real, healthy food. One more fucking frozen pizza and I'll take a fillet-knife to the stockboy, man.

By the end of tonight my kitchen will be clean and the Spackle dust and grime will finally be eradicated. A cook-worthy kitchen could be had! Maybe even as soon as tomorrow, a salad could loom! Green! Fresh! No cheese! No Spackle dust! WOW.

The hard part now will be continuing the weight loss and muscle-building. Hence why I need to get the food thing solved quickly, and why, despite bone-weary exhaustion, cleaning the kitchen's the only thing I care to achieve tonight (and why I'm splurging on my all-time fave takeout for fuel to do just that). I mean, 10, 12 pounds down during a three-week beer and pizza binge? Granted, I counted some calories, but still, on general principal, it's just wrong to lose weight when beer and pizza is involved. Now come the trick of actual weight-loss through lifestyle. 24 pounds and counting? Blah. :P

And, in the next day or two, all the paint fumes might finally subside and my brain's synapses may start firing again, yielding possibly interesting blogging.

But... thank you all for hanging in and letting me bore you with my adventures in decor. Y'all rock.

Soon, back to life amongst the living, and photographic evidence of all I've achieved around Le Pad du Steff. Enjoy your Monday.

It's Steak and a Blowjob Day!

Hey, in case you've missed it on Facebook or the web, today is Steak and Blowjob Day, started by some guy someplace. Either you're the kind of woman who's amused by it and will acquiesce because you think it'll be fun, or else you're probably offended by the testosterone behind the notion.

I say go for it. I'd even throw in a beer. I'm just that kinda gal.

Me, though, I'm continuing in my role as decorator extraordinaire and getting cracking on my hallway -- the last of my grand painting challenges for a while. (But not the last of the painting in the short-term, but anything left is an afternoon project.)

I'm so thrilled with how everything's turning out. It's been a long time since every project I've tackled has been so successful at bringing my visions to life. That's a pretty empowering sensation. There'll be little jobs I'll continue to tackle over the next couple months, but I'm really enthusiastic about everything coming down the pipes. I've done exactly what I set out to do, and the results have been better than I had hoped, on every level. Accomplishment is a wonderful thing. Goal-reaching is even better.
Meanwhile, I've got a grind to get back to. One thing I've loved lately is catching up on all my classic movies on telly while getting decorating work done. Today's is Scorcese's brilliant Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore. Ellen Burstyn is sensational.

I hope your weekend is less tiring than mine, but every bit as rewarding as mine. :) And enjoy that steak and BJ, boys.

SO, IT'S A FEW DAYS LATER... and I've decided to clarify this posting with just who might be deserving of a steak and blowjob, and who sure as hell isn't. Go here to read it.

Good for Me.

I had a realization recently. I have never, ever lost weight in the winter. Until this year, of course.

I weighed myself yesterday morning. I'm down 10 pounds since the middle of February, but I've gained a lot of muscle too, so I'm now told I look "markedly fitter" since my friend WB last saw me mid-February. I showed him my driver's license, taken on my birthday, September 29th last year, in which my face was way, way fatter.

He did a mini-jawdrop and smiled. "That's quite some difference over a winter!"

I felt awesome. Still do.

The numbers:

The "goal jacket" I bought before Christmas, 3 inches tight on me, pretty much fits me now but could be looser. :) I've lost 24 pounds since mid-October. I'd lost 18 a couple weeks before Christmas, but thanks to receiving 3 HUGE food baskets as gifts for Christmas...

Okay, who gives food baskets to fat people for Christmas? How is this a good gift? Would you give a heroin junkie a bag of smack and tell him "Hey! It's only once a year"? What the fuck? Not one basket, but THREE.

Caramel popcorn! (Don't get me started. Hull-less, kernel-less caramel popcorn? [shudder] A local product you'd kill for, man.) Nachos! Nuts, nuts, and, yes, nuts! (And nuts, nuts, and...) Cheese, salami, and everything else you can think of. One of the baskets was easily $150. Beautiful.

...I gained eight pounds in about 3 weeks. But it was so good, and I knew it'd hurt.

So I've lost 14 pounds in 6 weeks. Not bad. And, lately, I've had too much pizza and even a few McGriddles, thanks to all the painting, and beer almost nightly, but I've still lost 3 pounds. Heh. 'Cos while I'm painting my apartment, I make it as strenous as I can, squatting to paint trim, not sitting on the floor. Reaching as far as I can, things like that. Toning up something fierce. Also, I'm always conscious of the calories, which is huge in this. When I'm "blowing out" a day, I'll even still try to keep it to 2,600 or so calories, nothing too insane, and I have to either have worked out or been doing physical work, so I think it's self-negating. Not healthy, but self-negating.

And the spring's coming up. I lost 35 pounds over the summer a few years back, and all my weight loss was from exercising. (Meaning I never, ever counted calories back then and really had no idea how to do it. Now I'm much more informed. MUCH.)

I only ever gained 10 of that back, which is pretty good. But I'll lose much more this year. My goal, 40 more pounds by my birthday. Here's willing. Never mind hoping.

I'm now 5 pounds from my weight in college (15 years ago now that I started college), which'll be a wickedly good landmark to hit, hopefully the next two weeks, and I got another weekend of painting. Plus, it's Spring now, and I can begin adding cycling to my highrise-stairclimbing routing (which is what's responsible for this fabulous ass I'm beginning to get. Bubbly!) so I can'twait to see what my fitness is like in six months!

In short, I'm having a nice moment. :)

10 Years On: From Mathew Shepard to Will & Grace to Oklahoma

This October will be the 10th anniversary of the Mathew Shepard fatal gay bashing, in which a young man from Laramie, Wyoming, was beaten nearly to death and then strung upon a fence in rural Wyoming and left so that time could finish him off.

Because he was gay.

First, I thought "Wow, 10 years." Then, I thought "Man, only 10 years?"

I guess, then, that it's no surprise that a clip has gone viral on YouTube of Okahoma State Rep. Sally Kern denouncing homosexuality as a plague and instrument of destruction far worse than terrorism or Islam.*

[Click here for the Victory Fund's anonymous whistle-blowing original posting of the clip, with bad quality audio, or click here for a boring version but edited with normalisation ie: good audio.]

It's so fucking weird. Isn't it? I mean... Ohh. I only now listened to it, and I have to say I had something that I really only rarely get: the heebie-jeebies. Damn! This woman gives me the heebie-jeebies!

It's like discovering cockroaches in your house. Oh my god. How'd they get here? Gasp. Just when I thought we were safe.

How has this woman gone unexposed this long? She actually thinks this shit? Un-fucking-real. Trouble is... just like the cockroach analogy, you know she's not alone.

It ain't "she"... she's just a symbol for "they". She's the one who got caught. Things like this get said. You better believe they do. They just get said where there are secret handshakes and double-talk. Every now and then someone slips up and somebody else exposes it. And thank god they do. (Way to go, Victory Fund.)

You expect to hear political hacks spout this shit in countries that missed the "separating church from state" lesson at dictator school, like fucking Nigeria or Saudi Arabia, not in the USA.

I'm sorry, man, but I'm never, ever gonna buy that hating someone's a good way to live. I disagree with beliefs, lifestyles, personalities, fads, and pundits, but it doesn't give cause to do a whole lot of hating. I mean, I even think George Bush is a likable guy. I'm a sucker for a goofy grin.

But these people... these so-fucking-called religious types, be they Islamists or Christians or whatever, who claim they love their maker then seek to hate something he/she/it created make me sick. Physically ill. That, I can hate. That's hypocrisy. That's living a lie. That's flat-out bullshit.

And I can sit here and call it names all day, but there's nothing I'm really able to do to fight hypocrisy. It's one of the only things that's an easily unwinnable war. All you can do is keep telling the truth, saying it like it is, demonstrating the harm in their behaviour, and hope like hell the day they see things in a real light comes sooner than later. 'Cause, man, sooner or later everyone winds up on a deathbed and most, if not all, will lament having lived a life in which they loved too few people.

These guys, natch, are at the head of the list of lamenters. You can't hate someone for electing to choose who they love. As if homosexuality was something as simple as a choice, which it's not. You can't hate someone for being born with a desire to love their same sex counterparts, especially if you believe your god did in fact make all men in his image.

It's bogus. Worse, it's a hate crime. What this woman said is an offense against all homosexuals. It is a call to action. It is a cry for a revolt. She accuses gays of "infiltrating" city councils and all levels of government. Assures her listeners that any society to have ever embraced homosexuality openly was doomed to end in horror within decades. Homosexuality, she says in far less intelligent ways, is the doomsdayer of civilisation and the slayer of empires. I'm sure she feels the rallying cry of gays everywhere is just what Bin Laden would say, "Death to America".

But Kern fights charges that she's hate-bashing gays by saying it's only the RICH ones, the ones with the AGENDAS that she takes issues with. Kinda like back in the '50s when it was only the "uppity" blacks they'd have a problem with, huh? The ones who, I dunno, maybe thought they deserved to be treated equal in a country claiming to be founded on the principal that all men are equal?

Yeah, agenda. Agend this, Kern.

Fucking redneck political hack. And she's been voted in? Yeah, this should be entertaining.

The only reassuring thing is, Will & Grace had 8 hit seasons, and ain't no fuckin' Okie taking that away. I'm no Nielsen's expert but I'm pretty sure it wasn't only gays watching. For eight years. And the show went on air the year Mathew Shepard died... and ten years isn't that long after all. But, psst... it's not just a sitcom, it's a sign we're starting to win this. Ignorance can be overcome. We gotta believe.

America needs to talk about this. This needs to be an issue. This is a hate crime in the guise of a political discussion. It's 2008 in the land of "the free". It's time to fuckin' decide: Free -- A principal, or just a friggin' buzz word to sell flags?

If it's a principal, then it involves love too, baby.

(Oh, and, Oklahomans, if you're insulted I mention Okies derisively here, then do something about it and get this fucking redneck off your state's slate NOW, not in fuckin' November. Create a movement. I'm just saying. Money and action where mouth is goes a long ways on this here issue. Here's an article in the Tulsa World paper, though. Apparently she's unleashed a shitstorm of discussion down there in Oklahoma and is on quite the defensive. Goodie.)

Reinventing the World Around Me and What I Think it Means

My living room: Chaos personnified. Everything in my bedroom is being changed, so every drawer has been emptied upon my floor. Laundry is piled in the corner. Painting dropcloths are everywhere. Empty bottles of Anchor Steam beer mark the landscape like roadsigns for a weary worker. Walking across the living room is impossible, but instead requires yogic contortioning to squeeze through awkward openings and a watchful eye so as not to step on anything fragile.

In short, my world has literally been turned upside down, and the remaining hours of this day are to be used to reverse that... Until I get my new bedroom furniture Tuesday and become Miss Ikea-Assembler WunderWorker, and, Friday, begin painting my hallway in a screaming crimson red. Work, work, work.

****

So, you have some idea of what I'm going through, and soon it'll all come to an earth-quaking stop as I finally have about 2/3s of the painting done I've been wanting to do for the last couple years, and have one more four-day weekend to make sense of it all. (There's the living and kitchen spaces I plan to paint sometime in the next three months, but girl needs a fuckin' break, so, I'm divvying up the conquering a tad, and the rest can get done in a couple days when I wrangle friends for a painting party.)

Here's the thing, though.

There was a time a couple years ago when I thought I could never do this mad-cap painting stunt again. I mean, I had serious whiplash twice in a year, two serious concussions, and I fucked up my right shoulder twice, also, that year. I spent the better part of the next two years getting past those injuries, but never imagined that I'd have the arm and neck strength to do work of this calibre again.

Obviously those fears died down over the last year or so, but I'm still shocked as hell that, not only can I do all this painting, but I no longer get the after-effect migraines I used to get from over-exerting my neck/shoulders.

In short, I'm bone-tired, weary as all hell, but I feel all right. I feel like I know, finally, that every injury I had is almost completely non-existent these days. There's a mental freedom that comes with finally realizing "You know, I'm okay" that can't be explained in words. It's one thing to be grateful to survive an accident you should've died in, but it's hard to cultivate that gratitude when you spend day after day for two years in constant pain. To finally be free of all that pain, and to finally have all the abilities back I once thought I lost... I don't know. A wave of gratitude rushed over me last night as I felt the last of all those burdens lifting. Now I truly feel the gratitude of surviving. Now I'm excited for all that's before me.

But another thought also occurred to me yesterday. The last time I decorated this much was right before I broke through six years of writer's block for once and for all (I have a lot of interesting notions on writer's block and I disagree with those who say "there's no such thing" but agree that it's always something that can be overcome)... and, I got to thinking about what this colour-splurge might mean to me.

And I can't help but think it'll mean splendid things for my writing. I know I can write. I know I can write really, really well sometimes. Most of the time, though, my writing's pretty run-of-the-mill, because, for the longest time, I've been bored to tears. Bored, bored, bored. Bored with my life, bored with my home, bored with myself. Bored.

Pushing the envelope with some painting around the house doesn't seem like a radical move, but it really is. By consciously choosing to live with big colours and drastically reinventing my home, I'm creating a major new creative environment. I'm consciously telling the world that a) things need to change, and b) I deserve better, more, anything I want. That I'm still organizing more as I go not only means I'm culling the chaos in my world, but I'm forcing myself to confront memories of my past that I may have wanted to ignore a while longer... something every writer should be forced to do, especially if writing really is the perennial quest for truth.

It's a huge self-defining endeavour I'm in the midst of here, and while my writing might be somewhat boring "Oh, she's painting again" right now, I guarantee you, I'm on the verge of a creative goldmine here. I know I am. I know what's happening inside of me, the percolating bursts of creativity, the wanting to have more to say, the wondering of where and how to seed those notions and make them grow.

You can't physically change your world and your surroundings to the degree I am, and not have that somehow redefine who you are.

I guess all I'm saying is, I know I'm a somewhat redundant blogger right now, and that's just weariness and too-much-work-no-play resulting in the obvious, but, I'm telling you, people, you just wait. Things will get much better around here very, very soon. I'm painting the boring out of my life, and everything else will follow. I don't know much about the world but I know a lot about myself, and I'm tellin' ya. Creatively, I know I'm about fit to burst. Should be a very fun spring for my freshly-sprung mind.

Thanks for your patience. Now, back to Labour Steff and her Domestic Endeavours.

Where I am and What I'm Up To

I'm almost at the bottom of my first coffee at the ripe hour of 12:44 pm and a painting job staring me down, ugly end up, after a morning spent prepping for the event.

My bedroom's a shithole of spackle, drop cloths, and walls crying out "Get me wet! Paint me!"

Me, I'm thinking "What the fuck have I done?" I'm tired NOW, man. Nonetheless, I'm about 5 minutes and 250 characters away from doing something about it.

Today's exciting colour is Exotic Grass from the Debbie Travis line at Canadian Tire. It's a very spring green, that colour you see on grasses by the river in the height of spring, vibrant and fresh. Later this week I buy a new bed and I'll order the duvet off the net, too. Very exciting stuff. This colour's both energetic and calming, so it'll be a great palette for a bedroom, methinks. This will be the first time I've redone EVERYTHING about a room, so I'm just so stoked. It's the boost I need to do what I ain't got the energy to get done.

'Cause, my living room... oh, god. Everything's in here. It's a disaster. I'm five minutes away from a psychotic break, I imagine. So... if you're wondering where I am, if I somehow get lost in this self-induced madness (with great payoff, ask me in 72 hours) and don't pop in for a boo, then you know where I am. Getting a lobotomy, having a hot bath, or painting. Then there's the party tomorrow night, where I at least get to drink. But the rest of the weekend will be all painting. Fun!

God. Some days I think it'd be nice to be one of those lazy people who just puts things in places and doesn't decorate. And then there are days like I'll soon have, where I look around at the home that's mine, and think how fortunate I am to be me. This is the thought that pushes me through this wearisome toil. Grunt.

Awwright. Lemme at that paint. Time to get it done, man.

Further Schemings in the World of Steff

I'm having one of those "Well, maybe I could be a lesbian" moments.

It's my Idol guilty pleasure night. I usually watch it when I'm cleaning, but tonight I'm chilling. And, wow. I'm all a-twitter. Amanda Overmeyer was just so fucking hot when she knocked the hell out of Joan Jett's rocker-chick anthem, "I Hate Myself For Loving You". If ever there was a track my secret-secret inner-rocker-chick wanted to cover, it's that one.

I dunno if you've ever had one of those hate-myself-for-lovin'-'em lovers, but I assure you, there's no escaping this sublime mix of angst and eroticism that sometimes arises from it, which can be pretty irresistable to some of us. She conveyed it well. I know I convey it well, too. But not publically, and that's something I want to change. To a degree.

Me, one of the challenges I've laid out for myself in my head for this fun-laden '08 year is that of trying to reconnect with my indie rock self, get back into that feeling I had of being closer to the edge. I liked living out loud, and I'm definitely getting back on that path. But I'm doing it slowly. I want my footing to be sure.

You notice that whenever I have these "Well, maybe I could be a lesbian" phases, it's always for chicks with not-too-long hair, rocker types with fierce attitudes. It's kind of the way I view myself but I'm really not portraying it well right now. I've got it on the inside, so now it's about bringing that out. (Besides, it wasn't always internalized. Like I say, I kinda got a mini-road map here. Really outta date, but some of the main principals are there...)

It's why I don't want to take the namby-pamby route to any one goal. It's why I'm probably gonna go skydiving in June. It's why I'm deliberately painting my apartment in really bold "commitment" colours like crimson red and Tiffany blue. It's why I'm starting to stack the deck for a busy social summer of meeting new people. And why I'm saving my toonies for a fancy-ass hairdo in May or June, depending if it can even grow out that fast. (I have thick amazing hair that's the bane of my existence sometimes, but can be pretty "wow" when I work it, and that's really lost when I'm keeping it so short. So, some kinda punk rock bob with colour's on the horizon.) And maybe a tattoo, finally, for my birthday. Fun. Open mind, half-way willing... This year just gets more and more interesting for me.

But, yeah, in short? The goal this year is to become a chick I'd like to fuck. (In myriad ways.) And it's gonna happen. How's that for a goal? I suppose it depends on your taste and standards, and, for me, hey, it's nothing but the best. Besides, it's not like I don't dig myself at all. I just wanna dig me madly. Is that so wrong?

Sigh, Amanda Overmeyer. Feisty wench.

Now, About Those Panties

As you may or may not know, weightloss is a running theme in my life these days. I'm still drinking beer, having the occasional treats, and still haven't cut out pizza, so I'm clearly not all kamikaze about it. I'm living a little smarter, but I'm still living. (Beer, pizza? Come on! Moderation, right?)

I'm down 8 pounds since the start of February, back on track with the weightloss I'd began in October, down 23 pounds overall.

The last month of stairclimbing (on hold as I'm semi-sick right now) has been sculpting a fierce ass and has resulted in crazy-good changes in The Bathtub Test. TBT is when you guage how much volume your body has lost via how much water you're displacing in your tub. A very easy thing to guage in the world's smallest 1950s bath tub, like your favourite blogger has (and in mint-green, no less). Lovin' how I'm creating extra room in my itty-bitty tub.

But all is not bliss in the land of slimmin'-down Steffs.

No, there's the panty issue. It was easier when I was Just Fat and could buy all my panties from the same plus-size girl store. Now, though, the plus-size girl store's panties are too big, so I've been having to shop around.

And now everyone's got completely different sizing for underwear. I buy large or extra large, and it's anywhere from skin-cutting-too-tight to fall-down loose. It's ridiculous.

I'm all for free enterprise, really, but why can't we have fucking sizes regulated? Make 'em universal! My ass wants nice-fitting panties that feel cute and form-fitting. Is that so wrong? I have a couple dozens of undies in weird sizes, and I swear to god, like, four of 'em fit perfectly. How hard is it to have uniform sizes? A man can go on the moon, but a chick can't buy undies from different manufacturers without taking a risk?

Today, I don't want fame, riches, or glory. I want panties that fit my new bubble butt. Damn it.

Viagra: It Won't Solve Everything

I originally posted this with a long whining about my possibly getting sick: Insert whine here. Know I have whined well and long. But I'll keep it to me, and this is for you:

___________________________

I was amused this morning to catch a news clip revealing that American Idol's curmudgeonly judge Simon Cowell ("if it's not black, grey, or pale blue, I won't wear it") rejected an offer by Viagra to be their new spokesman. Cowell said he was "offended" by the offer.

Good for him. I think Viagra's too popular. It's ridiculous.

There are men who really require it and I'm thrilled they have that option. A lot of men, however, simply don't seem to be properly in control of their penises. It's a muscle, guys. Learn how to make it stronger.

Christ. One of my friends back when once commented that the greatest thing he ever did for his sex life -- and his penis -- was to start taking yoga. Yoga* isn't the sissy exercise it looks like, it's hard, but it's a mental thing, too. It teaches you how to isolate muscles, how to mentally focus on tensing and relaxing them -- a skill many of us are lacking, even when it comes to things like simply knowing how to relax our whole bodies at bedtime, let alone how to fire individual muscles.

Instead of learning how to master penises, a lot of young guys are running to their nearest doc and trying to score Viagra. They want to think that because their penis is fired up and ready to go for hours that their lover's somehow going to want exactly that.

Some women will, yeah. But I guarantee you, most women would rather be with a guy who's naturally ready to go for that length, who can ramp his performance up and down to match the mood of his lover. Those women, when confronted with Energizer Bunny man who wants to fuck for hours just so he can say he did, will probably wind up making mental to-do lists of their chores around the house by the time he finishes his redundant fuckfest, since he's so focused on just being a longtime lover rather than a good one.

The number of women complaining about "Vaigrafied" men will, I guarantee ya, be escalating in the future. Women physically need more stoking before the sex stage of the game, and given how many women can't come from intercourse alone, this whole Manly Man How Long Can I Last game just doesn't compute.

Yoga* is directly related to the ancient art of Tantric Lovemaking. You've heard about Sting and his magical penis that can have sex for hours and hours without coming? Sting does yoga, man.

But, no. I guess that's too much work. Or is it just that? Maybe it's just another symptom of our I-want-it-when-I-want-it flash-cooking, fast-food Instamatic society of ours.

We live in a society where everything needs to be fixed with pills. Pills should be our last choices. I know taking an anti-depressant was my last choice after nothing else I was doing made a dent in my horrible depression two years ago.

But men are running too easily to Viagra instead of trying to see what else they're doing wrong with their lives that might be affecting their ability to stay erect. Bad diets can deflate penises. Being overweight can deflate penises. Not exercising can make a penis sad, too.

Is it a simple thing to overcome? No. Yoga's hard. Eating well is hard. Exercising regularly is hard.

Being a good lover is hard. It is. It's work. It's being self-less and tuning in to what your lover needs. It's ignoring your wants in order to deliver theirs. It takes focus, stamina, understanding, empathy, versatility, flexibility, time, patience, and, shit, even psychic abilities. Being a good lover takes time, man.

It ain't about a little fuckin' blue pill. If you're running to a bottle of Viagra in the hopes that it's going to save your sex life, the reality is, your problems are probably far more reaching than just a soft-too-soon weenie.

Yes. Some men really need to use it, and it's recharged their lives like nothing else.

The rest of the men, however, really need to learn how to better use their penises. For that, they need: yoga, KEGEL EXERCISES**, a better diet, regular exercise, and the ability to understand that a woman's orgasm is about her body and not just about yours.

*Yoga: If, like me, the idea of doing yoga is something you're into, but, like me, you're not into looking like an ass as your fumble your way to grace, you can do yoga at home with myyogaonline.com, and choose from any of their easy beginner routines, but pay attention to the breathing techniques and the mental focusing tips they're giving you, because that's very, very important when it comes to sex -- breathing changes everything. But that's another posting for another time.

**Kegels: Many online resources write about them only for women to do post-birth as a way of tightening up their vaginal muscles again, but this is bogus. Kegels are good for men and women of all ages and will help with your ability to control your orgasm. If you're a woman unable to orgasm, this will help you towards that goal by empowering you to better control your physical reactions. If you're a guy who doesn't get hard enough, it will probably help you get harder, plus it helps your endurance (but if your cardio sucks, having a penis stay hard longer isn't your ticket to ride, friends). Read about Kegels on Wiki, but try the external links at the bottom, or do a Google search for a Kegel method of exercising that works for you. Plus... you can do Kegels sitting at your desk at work. You can get paid to enhance your own orgasms. Lovely thought that, eh? Once you figure out how to isolate and fire your pelvic floor muscles for Kegels, firing the same muscles during yoga will further enhance the effect of Kegelling your way to better sex abilities.

Feel Good Link of the Day

(If you ignore the torment and turmoil suffered by this man for 35 years, that is. Surely he's not the man he was, and that's a tragedy, but we're not talking about such things here, now.)

In Pakistan, an Indian man named Kashmir Singh has been freed after 35 years spent forgotten on death row for a death sentence imposed on long-forgotten charge of spying trumped up in bad times between India and Pakistan. His wife has spent the last 35 years hoping for a change in fortunes, despite the death sentence, and despite never once being allowed to see him during his incarceration.

Now, against all odds, he has been pardonned for everything, and will be reunited with his wife tomorrow.

The couple's marriage, they both assert, was always a love match, not an arranged marriage. As the wife said, "Why else would I wait?" She apparently has never given up on being reunited with her love... and, I, for one, am thrilled it is working out for them.

Nothing like a little old-fashioned romance to remind us what love can sometime overcome. Very nice. One of the stories is here. Another is here.

A Jumping-Off Point

Oh, god, do I hurt. I spent my weekend painting my bathroom, and I'm dreading leaving for work this morning since I've been working all weekend.

I made a point of incorporating exaggerated poses in my painting all weekend -- squeezing my abs when I reach, controlled squatting instead of sitting on the floor for lower trim painting, stuff like that -- and I feel like I've mountain biked up a mountain. Every part of my body is in great, great pain.

But the bathroom's beautiful! :D

I chose a blue called "Gypsy Caravan", which is a stupid fucking name, but hey, that's what it's called. In reality, it's a darker shade of Tiffany's trademarked blue used on its boxes, or as you may more commonly know it, "Robin's Egg Blue". But I think it's hilarious that the same colour that's one on of the ritziest jeweller's boxes in the world is a "gypsy caravan" colour. Right.

It's dark, vibrant, yet sophisticated, thanks to my brilliant white accents everywhere. The look still needs to get pulled together, since the shelves were too tacky to load up with things, but I'm very pleased and proud of the great job I did. You'll get pictures when I'm through with it all.

It's a very dark spa look. It's complicated choosing colours for bathrooms. I wanted more of a cave-like spa look, something dark and dramatic, yet feminine and clean. Less clutter. But there's an aspect to painting bathrooms that most people overlook: How will the colour play off your skin? Will you look vibrant and healthy, or sickly and unwell? Choosing a blue or a green is a very risky business. I think my choice is working out. I'll be happier after I get my bedroom paint on the wall and see how that makes me look. It'll be a shade of green, which can do pretty bad things to the human body, so let's hope that's not the case. Feeling sexy in the bedroom's too important to have a paint job go tainting you like a sicky.

This week is a three-day work week followed by I think a sleep until noon on Thursday, and another manic painting episode, but this time it'll be my bedroom. No crouching around toilets required, which was easily the low-point of my Saturday night. Definitely not fun, toilet-crouching.

I can't wait to get all the painting done so I can compfortably start inviting people in my home again. I think March is mainly for painting. I have a lot of work (and pain) ahead of me.

But if I can keep the exaggerated techniques in play, plus other exercise, I think losing 10 pounds this month will be child's play, and my upper body will be getting in the kick-ass shape my lower body's already headed for.

Which is good, since I now have a goal for getting in shape, something tangible to shoot for...

Skydiving in June with friends.

Scares the shit out of me, it does, but I've always wanted to skydive once so I can be that person at the party who goes, "Yeah, done it. Was cool."

I need to lose 10 lbs to meet the weight requirements for skydiving, which I'm not worried about, but the whole thing freaks the hell out of me. And it's a good thing I'm stairclimbing, since I imagine I'll need strong, sturdy legs for the landing part of the equation.

It'll be a massive step in proving things to myself. Like this weekend has been, painting and making my world mine again. It's all about taking myself back one step at a time. Crafting an identity through real, calculated efforts.

Skydiving. Whew. Cool. :) That's when I'll truly know I've turned the page on my life. Now here's three months I get to psych myself up for it. Eek!