A Duet about Sex in Spring and the Strangeness of Circles

It's funny. A reader's giving me shit in a comment a couple posts below because I've said I'm undersexed and he/she seems to think I'm asking for sympathy. Um, no. Anyone can get laid if they set their standards low enough, right? God knows I know this.

I said in the comment that I'm aiming for April as the get-laid goal. Before then, I want to finish my place off. Got three things to paint, then I'm golden. (More on that later.) Sex? April, I hope, totally, maybe even sooner. But I'm kicking off April with a concert I'm going to all on my lonesome, so we'll see how playing things like that help change the odds. Be my charismatic best, but I'm gonna be picky. No bar-lowering for me just yet, thanks.

That'll actually be a pretty significant step for me. That's not something I would do back in the day. Always wanted to be that chick who just got up and said "I wanna see that gig"* and went. Why I didn't, I don't know. I guess it all comes back to that stereotype inflicted on us as kids. I was taught that "those" kinds of girls put themselves in those situations.

Hey, raised Catholic, man. Lots of stupid things have taken most of my life thus far to get over. Stupid little shit that family morals or society's norms induce the weaker of us to change our behaviours. (IE: Most of us.)

*I've been to concerts by myself before, but not the small, intimate venues where you're mingled and mixed and sweaty with your neighbours. That's where it's going to get more fun.

So, anyhow. Trust me, I have plans in the workings for how I'm going to "get back in the saddle" again. I'm just really vain and want a fabulous house where I can really cocoon for some great weekends when I get there. I'm dressing the stage, as it were.

Fucked up, I know, but that's just me. I always get like this after a period of abstinence. Make the house perfect so that chance encounters can be taken home on a whim. I'm very Martha Stewart that way. It's my Type A personality. "Is the bathroom clean enough so we can fuck on the floor? Just in case? And are there extra towels?"

***

Today was departed Mom's birthday, so I decided to take a moment out of work to catch the sunset at the water's edge, since she was a sailor and we scattered her at sea.

Walking there, I was hit with a whomp! as I suddenly remembered that two years ago today was when I quit my job that I just returned to in September. I had taken some beautiful sunset shots that day, too, thinking it was a metaphor about my life and how I was returning to things I needed, that my job was getting in the way of me "accomplishing" more.

Oh, how wrong I was. What ensued was the worst 18 months of my life, filled with unemployment, and when I was employed, bosses I really grew to dislike, debt, and other crazy shit. And, the thing was, it was all because I quit a job I never should have left.

But if I hadn't left, I never would have realized it wasn't the job that was the problem. Now I know the job's cool.

Plus, I got tested, man. Tested good. Tested long. It, however, taught me for a lifetime two things: 1) I'm that tough, and 2) I control, and can conquer, far more than I once suspected.

And no matter how much grief and frustration and drama my bad job last year brought, I'm really thrilled that I gave it a try. Naturally, I now have absolutely zero regreats leaving there.

A third thing I know is this: I work only to live, and this job I thought was the cause of my unhappiness with its endless easy pace was merely something I was scapegoating when the truth was, it was everything else in my life that was making me unhappy.

And the irony now is, it's two years later, to the day, that I left, and I have now returned to the job because I knew that same endlessly easy pace I once lamented is exactly what I need to have in order to repair the rest of my life. And exactly what I need to continue to have in order to "live" the way I want to on the outside.

Funny how, reaching back to where you started from, things sometimes never look the same as they once did.

Clarity's a crazy, crazy trip, but I'm still digging it madly.

And in 13 minutes, it's Friday. Enjoy your weekend!