This and That and That and This and...

This whole becoming-a-better-person thing is much more work than they advertise, you know. I mean, this is mop-the-brow and grunt-a-little calibre of grind, my friends. And, am I better? Oh, not yet. Not by a long shot.

Still the same old flawed little me.

My weight, even, is holding steady at 14 pounds lost. I'm in psychic limbo hell. I'm working on it now, though. This yoga thing is a very good new addition to my ways. And while my weight's holding steady, I know my size is reducing 'cos my new pants are about an inch looser. I'm at the point where I really need to find the belt I've misplaced. And how do you misplace a belt, anyhow?

I'm at that point where I know I'm doing most everything right and dividends will soon start to pay.

But when I get past this weight thing and I get the new clothes I want, I'll have no more excuses, and then that means I need to put my money where my mouth is, get my life in gear, get a man, get laid, get happy. I'll need results. Results are everything.

I know this. Thus, the jackrabbit-in-headlights look I've had of late. Pity you just see type. It's really amusing. Sproing! Them's my eyes.

The thing is, I don't know if I want a man. I want the get happy, get laid, get life in gear part, it's just that I'm not sure carry-on baggage is the right fit for me at this point in my life.

I don't write about my last relationship anymore, I guess, because... I don't know. I just don't feel like reliving what was a pretty unhappy gamble with the dice. I should have fucking jumped ship when the guy broke his leg because I knew what being injured in that kind of life-altering way does to some people, did to me, and I predicted (correctly) every fucking thing that ensued. And I blew it. I had the evac option and I blew the call.

What's my point? I was doing all right, then, working on myself, then this guy came outta the woodwork, and due to a horrible Bermuda Triangle-like confluence of bad fortune within a small amount of time, I came apart at my seams. Life was hard enough at the time without being thrown the loop of being in a relationship with someone who was going through a really depressing crisis of identity. And, had I walked away when I knew I should have, I would have spared us both all the immature, pain-driven antics that followed and caused us to completely sever everything.

I'm keeping my options very, very open and I will actively pursue anything that comes up and seems promising, but I'm not going to go looking for anything. The last thing I need right now is to get involved with someone who's going to fuck with my equilibrium. And I'm tired of men who need doting and attention. I don't know what I really want...

...aside from continuing this rediscovery of self I've been on and reaching of the emotional equivalent of a far off shore.

And I'll write about that relationship at some point, I suspect. When I do, it won't be pretty. I'll have to be judgmental on both sides, because it takes two to really fuck up a relationship, and I'm adult enough to know that. I know who I think was more mature about the demise, though, and that's all I'll say about that for now.

Another thing that's been weighing on me with this whole reckoning of self bit I'm on, is, I'm noticing more now just how negative I've become in the last while. I have no idea how I got this way. Perhaps working with a chronic complainer for seven months had more of an impact than I thought. I was more negative than I wanted to be anyhow, but I think it escalated, and only now am I realizing by just how much. It's not good. I cannot be around negative people. But to have become one? Tsk.

But... hey. Knowing is half the battle. From here on out, I'm starting a make-it-pay policy. If I've had a negative day, I put $2 in my sin bin, but if I've been actively bitching, I'll put $5 in my sin bin. Soon, I'll have that trip to Mexico paid for, or I'll be a better person to know. Either way, some serious mileage might come of this.

PS: To those people who left their links for me: Thanks!! I'll be updating my sidebar over the holidays for sure.