Something About a Bus, A Girl, A Quandry, and a Sunset

Welcome to my world. As I mentioned, there's now a new series I plan to run on here. I've decided to call it The Evolution of the Single Girl.

I don't really want to pigeon-hole it yet. I want to kind of see where it takes me. I'm not sure this is a first posting, but it's headed in that direction. I didn't see this posting leading to where it eventually led, but maybe a few of you can relate...

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I rode the bus home tonight and found myself seated in the back, opposite two affectionate couples. One worked for me, and the other didn't. The first couple consisted of an itty-bitty girl I could blow away with a huff'n'a'puff, who actually pulls off the skinny jeans she had on with her Chuck hightops, and Monster Man, who, even seated, looked like an easy 6-foot-6. They kinda paid attention to each other, had a little bit of chemistry, but it just looked like an "okay" relationship.

Then, to the right of them, was this couple, 'round the same mid-20s age, who kept making each other laugh while being affectionate the whole time. I don't know, they were just so into each other. That conversational connection you don't often get in a relationship, where they're laughing as much as they're talking... and kissing, incidentally. He had a thing for nibbling her nose, too, which sort of had my mind meandering.

There are not a lot of relationship-couple-thingies I see that make me go, "Mm, yeah, being single... wearing thin." But these guys made me think, yeah, being single... wearing thin. Tonight, anyhow.

Howver... It's unfortunate one must wade through so much bullshit to get the relationship thing happening. Dating has been a chore, and the only relationship I've known in the last long time wound up more work than fun, so. I'm all right with taking it easy while I recreate myself from the top down.

I mean, I'm at that point now where I'm realizing that losing weight and having the life I want is entirely-- entirely-- in my hands. I'm driven. I'm preparing for total lifestyle overhaul. Keep what's awesome about me and improve on the rest. Good times.

But nights like tonight leave me wondering if there is a possibility of squeezing someone into that mix. Wondering ever so briefly, though, because then the flipside plays out once more.

I remember the part of me that wants to get back to keeping a clean house because I like it that way, not because I know someone's coming over... but because I'm worth the effort and it matters. I want to get back to cooking an incredible (but now low fat) meal not because I have someone coming over, but because I'm worth the effort and it matters.

I want to know I'm that person for myself before I start being that person for someone else again, because that's what inevitably happens. It's so, so, so easy to lose yourself in the confines of a relationship. It's so easy to lose myself in a relationship. And I don't ever want to be her again.

I was disgusted with who I became when I dated you-know-who last year. Just disgusted. I became so clingy and needy, so dependent on his approval, that I just completely lost who I was. I am NOT that woman. No fuckin' way.

Because I know who I am, who I'm not, and who I have a date to be. I remember this moment late last August when I was riding my bike back home along False Creek as the sun was setting. I stopped to photograph a grandfather holding his young granddaughter's hand as she walked balancing on a concrete wall, their silhouettes against a cotton-candy sunset behind the city, on the water. This is who you are, I reminded myself. This chick who needs no one, nothing big or expensive or fancy... just a moment in a sunset and a reminder of something good in life. That's it. That's all it takes to be happy: Being able to see the moment for all it really has to offer. Being able to find that "something" that's everything at that moment in time.

And if I can't really put my finger on the pulse of that yet, alone, I don't know that I'm really ready to make the leap to having to not only find and hang onto that, but be "there" for someone else, too. It's a phase. :)

But I'm getting there. I'm really getting there. Quickly, too. And I'm open to it. If life decides to surprise me, I'm onboard. Rollin' with the flow and trying to make the best of today.