Spilling: The Low-Downon My Weight Going Down Low

So, in the comments down below, I was asked by R&R how I'm losing weight so that other people might benefit. (So, you might wanna read the posting below this if you've not already.)

Here's the deal. At the end of August, I had a physical that went much worse than I expected. I was shocked that my blood pressure was still perfect, and I haven't gotten around to the bloodtesting for the cholesterol, but in weighing me and checking my asthma, my doc gave me a stern lecture and told me I had to get my shit under control.

I spent the next month still working the job that was doing all the damage -- in just three or four months, I gained back about 20 of the 45 pounds I'd lost over the last couple years. That original weight was lost just by exercising. I've never in my life lost weight by eating better.

Until now.

On my 34th birthday on September 29th I realized I had eaten a pound of butter in 10 days. I staggered and couldn't believe I'd been getting THAT bad. Then I thought about it, and yeah, I could in fact believe it. I hadn't weighed myself since the doc's visit, but I'm pretty sure I was headed higher on the weight count. I didn't have the guts to face that, so my numbers I'm going by are from the end of August, though I suspect I might've gone up a bit from there.

When I ended the disconnect from reality and really looked at how I'd been eating, I realized I was headed for a bad, bad place, and a stupid place, and that I was (am) very, very fortunate my health wasn't worse than it was (is). My mother was a reasonably healthy woman, and she died of cancer at 57. My father is morbidly obese and nearly died of diabetic complications last year. I presently am pretty close to morbidly obese myself. That ain't no good, and it ain't gonna be the case a year from now, if even a few months from now.

So, what'd I do? I stopped buying butter and margarine. That's pretty much all I did for the first two weeks. No butter, no margarine. Without those, I didn't feel like having much bread, so consumption of bread dropped an easy 75%. And without butter, my favourite breakfast -- eggs, toast, and sometimes a breakfast meat -- became less addictive and I found myself switching to granola and soy milk.

Then I started being more practical. Instead of the huge full sammich from my fave sammich place, I switched to half a sammich and opted for the heavy dark rye bread, and it was filling enough. Now, over the last week and a half, I've begun increasing the veggies in my diet. So, in about 3.5 weeks, I've dropped at least 12 lbs (but considering that was my weighing myself after a huge meal and three cups of coffee... not too shabby at all).

What am I not doing? I'm not counting calories. I'm not clocking things or doing a food diary. I'm eating well, I'm eating moderate portions, and when I wanna be bad, I have either a rice krispie square or a low-fat cake at work. I am not, however, buying things that are considered "better alternatives" to dessert, like sorbet or frozen yogurt. If I have a "dessert", it's pineapple or other fruit, and none of the canned fruit shit. Real food 24/7.

I have also, however, seriously realized how much food was an emotional crutch, and that it was filling voids that I need to fill in more positive ways, and quite possibly insulating myself from the world at large.*

What am I still doing? Well, I ordered pizza last weekend, and I'm still drinking the red wine I love. At 80 calories a glass, it's better than most juices or pops, and it does do good things for us. Not to mention I'm just a lush and I roll like that. But if I have a bad meal each week and a bottle or so of wine, so be it. I'm not trying to live the perfect life like some intense health-nut -- I'm just trying to eat well most of the time, and I'm being cognizant of what bad choices have done to me in the past, and being responsible for the outcome of my choices... which I'm thinking about BEFORE I act, rather than after.

I'm only now starting an exercise plan, so, my goal is to lose another 20 pounds by Christmas, and I think it's gonna be a lot easier than it's ever been before. And I think 20 pounds is a conservative goal. Highly conservative, given the last three weeks.

Life's better without butter, I guess. But I'm not "on a diet". FUCK diets. Diets suck. They're bad for you. I'm trying to get on a program I can follow for the rest of my life. When I go out for breakfast, you're fucking right I'll have buttered toast. At home, though, I know it's something I get destructive with. So, yeah, I'll be cutting that out for the foreseeable future, and perhaps longterm. But I'm not depriving myself. I'm just making sure I ask myself "Why is it I want to eat that, and will it really make me feel better when I get up in the morning, or is it just a Band-aid for something I need to face in a better way?"

Guess I just woke the fuck up. Will that work for others? Shrug. Gonna depend on how honest people are with themselves about their motivations, and how bad off the diet was in the first place. My food choices WERE horrible. Not as bad as some people's, but they were bad enough, given my family history.

About that * up there: I'm gonna try to write something that really mines deeply my connection to food and why I think now I was allowing myself to be so "weighed" down, in more ways than one. I'll save that for the coming week sometime, when I'm ready to really crack that nut.

In the meantime, I'm just really damned happy and proud of myself for breaking the yoke on what was always a pretty heavy load. The future is looking good, and I can't wait for the thrill I'm gonna have when I reach all my goals. "When", no "ifs" here. Not anymore. If I could lose 45 pounds while eating the way I used to eat, I can't wait to see what happens now. :)

(And I do not feel like I'm on a diet, or that I'm depriving myself. I'm re-educating myself about food and learning how to cook seemingly decadent dishes that are deceptively healthy. 'sides, I'm an awesome cook. Making food taste good is what I do, but now I do it healthily. It's about choice and empowering yourself to know better. I was always very ignorant about health. Until now.)