A Slow Spot on a Sunny Sunday in June

I'm just having a quiet day reflecting on me, myself, and I. I had a chat with a friend the other night, one of those bump-in-the-hall, how-goes-it chats you didn't expect, but turns a little more profound than you planned on. She asked me how my new job was going, as we hadn't had much chance to discuss it.

I told her things were strange; good, but strange. Very happy there, but the whole thing's been this extremely Freudian headtrip from the get-go -- from my boss's name being those of two of the most significant people in my life, to it being a neighbourhood I loved as a child, partied in throughout college, and spent frequent time with my mother in during the last year of her life. One thing after another comes into play in that neighbourhood, and in these past three months -- the months I've sort of been avoiding being really honest on the screen here -- I've had to face far more demons than I realized. It's been a hard time and a significant personal journey, one I've very much kept to myself.

And here I am, on the verge of being nearly done with the hardest, the toughest, the most challenging time my job can throw at me, and things are finally starting to fall into place. It's so hard to put into words what it is I think I've been facing of late. A reckoning with who I was against that which I am now, and the mega-push towards that which I know I still wanna be.

I get frustrated during times like these. Patience may be a virtue, but it's ain't one of mine. I want what I want when I want it, which is now. But I try. I really, really try. I strongly believe we're meant to feel all we feel. When we're sad, we should embrace it and try to understand it. Ditto with happy, angry, et al, to an extent. If we get too wrapped up in thought, we won't actually experience anything. That's the trick, the balance between experience and examination.

I do all right with it, though, so much so that my focusing on the experiencing of what's been going on has made the end of it all creep right up on me. I didn't really notice that I was coming up on what looks to be the end of that time of Just Getting By. If I don't watch myself, soon I might just start Getting Ahead.

Yeah, this is gonna be a nice summer. My first really nice one in a number of years. Lucky me.

***

My wardrobe has been a thing of disappointment for some time. I've had bills to catch up on and things to focus on for a while now, as the end of two years of underemployment has made these past three months a time of financial (and other) reckoning for me. I have disliked my clothes for so long now, as I've been in a different headspace than the one they provide. Some of those clothes are from when I first began rediscovering my self-esteem, but I've got more esteem now, and want to dress more confidently, more feminine.

Finally I was able to purchase a little new clothing yesterday: a pair of capris, a camisole, a cute tank, two shirts (one that I love -- soft cream, flowy and translucent), four pairs of funky flip-flops (one pair paisley!), and a pair of very feminine, very cute indigo wedge slippers with gold embroidery (very Eastern in style). In all, I'm pretty pleased.

I should be earning some commission from some advertising I've done for work, and it's earmarked for a couple more self-esteem purchases -- new glasses, which should be some variation on the cat's eye in possibly red for a change, and more new clothes. I've been wanting a more feminine look for a while now, so I'm happy that I've finally been able to take strides in that direction.

Anyone who thinks a lack of money doesn't hurt your self-esteem is kidding themselves. I'm not saying money buys self-confidence, but being broke sure doesn't. It makes a huge difference when you can't buy nice things (even if from a thrift shop) to make yourself feel like you look your best. Indulging the self is indulging the spirit. I'm not saying things need to cost a lot -- none of my items did, and most were on sale -- but they need to be right for you. I'll be ecstatic when I can finally toss my holey jeans (but you know I won't... everyone needs one holey pair of jeans) and start wearing things I know are right for the "me" I've become in these past couple years.

So today I'll tidy up my disastrous room, which is really just one giant pile of clothes right now, and start whittling things down to what I really want to keep, as I know the wardrobe scenario is about to change dramatically.

And know what? It makes me more confident about a return to dating now, which I've been saying was in the works. I've been wanting to make the first move online, since I get tired of sitting around waiting for the "right" type of guy to message me, and making the first move doesn't fail me too often. Yet I've not felt like I was able to do so. After all, it'd mean I'd have to back that up with a successful date. Only thing was, I hated my clothing options. What's the point of going on a date if you can't feel sexy?

Now I have a couple options and more are to come. To ad to the clothing movement, I'm treating my body to a little necessary work -- a massage is scheduled for Monday night with some boy from the pool (really) and a chiro adjustment is planned for Tuesday. By Wednesday I should be feeling a little less like the out-of-whack, fatigued woman I've felt like this past week... and I'll have cute new shoes, too. It's all good.