Sam Cooke and Steff, Together at Last

The master of soul’s winding his way through my bedroom as my fingers clack away under his soulful stylings. Sam Cooke’s A Change is Gonna Come is about the best way I knew to embrace this mood I’ve fallen into in the last few hours, so it's bellowing its way into the breeze, playing on repeat as I get lost in the verses.

I said goodbye at my old job yesterday, and I begin my new one tomorrow. Seven years came rattling to a close. My key was turned in, my security card decommissioned.

I stayed there for too long, always hoping stability would return to the film industry so I could work in peace. Those people became my family in some ways, and I stopped really getting anything out of the job more than three years ago, but I just kept hanging around. Some parties stay good long after midnight, you know what I’m saying?

I’m a hard woman to please in some ways, and work definitely falls into that category. I’ve got a dynamic personality when I want to use it, and I need a bit of a stage. I need intellectual challenges, too, and a fast-moving environment. I’m quick and resourceful, and I love to be used to the best of my abilities. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt challenged, or like I’ve been centre stage. That all changes tomorrow.

I hung on too long, hoping things would change on their own. I was waiting for life to make everything all right. Trouble is, life’s got no interest in appeasing you. Life is what it is, and if you’re not making it work for your advantage, then you’re fucked. Then I decided to really find something that was right for me. It took some doing, but I made it happen.

I’m pretty open with y’all, but there’re certain points at which I decide that “this is not for you” and I don’t share. We all have our limits. I’ve had some dark fucking times in the last year, I promise you. I’ve offered glimpses, but felt that showing too much of the inner-workings would be a detriment to keeping an audience. So, limits, yes.

This, though, this feeling that finds me in the breaking-clouds glow of a late winter’s late afternoon is something that truly has been a long time comin’. And it’s good to finally know a change has come.

And now I must create a new era of self or something, too. I’ve come untethered from my favourite parts of myself in the last while, and it’s time to reconnect.

Adversity changes who we are, man. It changes what we have available to give to others. It changes what we seek through others. It changes what we need from ourselves, our lives. Who you are when you’re comfortable with your earnings and you’re satisfied with yourself and what you’re accomplishing is a whole world away from who you are when you feel like you’re falling short in any area of your life.

I’ve been failing my relationships for too long now, but I haven’t been able to give anything of myself that anyone could really value. Now I’m ready to do that. It’s funny how quickly that can change. I’m going to spend the weekend getting in touch with friends and getting my life back on track in more ways than one.

Me, I’ve been through the muck and mire of my life. I know who I am. I like who I am. I admire myself, even. I know what I’ve been through and I know how I’ve handled it. There’s an awakening you come to when you finally understand what self-respect really means and what it feels like to truly have it. To respect yourself because you know you’ve earned it is a pretty wicked sensation, and I think it’s truly what separates the kids from the grown-ups.

Right now, emotionally, I have that feeling you get after riding your mountain bike up the sickest damn hill you can find, and once you’re at the top, standing there, straddling the frame, you stare down the path before you – and the descent’s every bit the perfect decline with picturesque view that you were hoping it’d be. The life before me looks like a hell of a good ride.

I can’t wait to see all that that ride offers. Literally, figuratively, any damned way you like. I’m good to go, and I’m gonna hold on for all she’s worth and have at ‘er. It’s a good time to be me.

And it’s spring. Almost. Sing it, Sam.

There've been times that I've thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come