Seasonal Slacking with Steff

I’m in the middle of Bridget Jones’ Diary. That should tell you a lot about my Christmas.

I’ve had a traditional Christmas. Too much booze, at least one requisite drunken family member, chaos around the house, an excess of gravy, an abundance of slack.

In the morning, I’ve got to go see about a job. Right now, I feel anti-human. This could be a challenge. Or at the least a very big pot of coffee.

I don’t know what to write about. I’ve found myself stuck in a moment I just can’t end. I’m waiting on a job. It’s a very strange scenario and I can’t really explain it to you. I was given the impression that the meeting’s a lock and I’m being offered the job, but the problem is that it wasn’t said so much as it was implied, and I don’t know about you, but I don’t tend to think implications are worth the paper they’re printed on. Somewhere inside I’m trying to convince myself to believe this, though. A job would be the best Christmas gift I could get.

Not just a job, though… one that’s truly right for me for the time of life I’m in right now. I couldn’t have chosen a more appropriate job if it up and bit me. And they approached me. Including myself, three people were interviewed. I know my references got a real grilling.

And I know, there’s this great big world around me and the heart of the best time of the year, but all I want right now is a job. I don't want another fucking thing. Just a job. This job. I’m at the end of the suspense with this one. Somehow, I’m still believing in myself as much as I was two weeks ago, if not more now.

But I’m finding it so hard to think about anything else. I just want security and a place to call my own for a little while.

In old-timer speak, I’m a real pistol. When it comes to real life, I’m pretty fearless in what I say. If I think something, I’m 80% liable to say it. I am the very definition of living out loud. And it’s not exactly appropriate for a lot of jobs out there. I’m strong-willed, creative, very versatile in the skills department, and capable of leading. I’m not exactly the docile little happy-to-be-here-thank-you-sir kinda gal certain places are looking to hire. You wanna know what I think? Don't worry, you're gonna. Sure, some people value honesty, but the truth is, honesty's a hard sell most of the time. Life's easier when we hear what we want, not what people really think. But I didn't get that memo. That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.

I had the job experience from hell this summer. I worked for a man I later found out had been taken to the Labour Relations Board for our province by a couple former employees who were citing him for psychological abuse. Every day I came home hating myself a little bit more. I stood up to the dick more and more each day, and found myself get isolated more and more daily. Unfortunately, I needed a job and stayed as a result. I had a hard time respecting myself when working for such a belittling, domineering man, and getting fired became a gift when I got to go back to my old bosses – two women who’ve contributed a lot to who it is I’ve become over the last six years.

As a result, I’m pretty fussy about the environment I want to work in these days. This would be an incredible environment. An alternative health clinic filled with antiques and good vibes. I could handle that.

This Christmas and this question of a job have both been hanging over my head these last couple of weeks. Money’s been tight, as per usual over the last year, but I managed to get a few little gifts while catching up with some of my bills. It’s given me a lot of time to think about the things I have I’m grateful for, but also the things I wish I had and know I’ll be grateful for when they come my way… like a job that’s right for me and offers me the kind of security I need so I can return to writing and other creative pursuits.

Don’t think I’m kidding myself – I know this blog is missing a certain je ne sais quoi. Well, I’m missing a lot in my life, too, so it’s only natural it should be obvious here. It’s kind of unfortunately, because security’s pretty much the only thing I can’t sort out on my own. God knows I’m trying. I've been getting frustrated at writing lately – my life is one giant question make of late and the uncertainty has been wearing me down. I'm proud that I've made it work for this long, but "making it work" just isn't working for me anymore.

There’re probably three out of five people reading this, thinking “Oh, there are jobs everywhere. She should quit her bitchin’ and just take something to pay the bills.” There’s a notion. Not one relevant in the least to my life, unfortunately, but it’s certainly a notion. I can’t just settle in and take some random job. I've tried to squelch who I am so I can complacently eke out a living working for the man, but I'm too fuckin' old and set in my ways to sell out now. Fuck that.

I’ve never worked in a job I hated until this year, and I’m going to avoid that now. Knowing first-hand what having one's soul sucked through a cocktail straw feels like, I'm gonna try to avoid the whole soul-suckage thang this time 'round. I’m the kind of person that needs to believe in what I do, and I’ve reached the point where I don’t think that it’s too much to ask that that be the case.

So, I’m down to the crunch. Twenty-four hours from now, I’ll know if it’s the right job for me, and whether it’s mine. Or, I think I’ll know. It’s technically a second interview. But, like I said, it’s complicated. And I’m confused.

Wish I had something else I felt like posting, but I don’t. I’m looking forwards to knowing more tomorrow. It dawns on me now that I’ve been in a state of varying shades of unknowing for 17 months now. No wonder I’m feeling a bit antsy. All this time, and this is the first job I’ve really wanted. This anxiousness suddenly makes sense. But hey, how often do we really get this feeling of wanting something this badly? I’m going to try and enjoy it while I can. Whew. Got the nerves somethin’ fierce, though! I take solace in one thing right now: This time, I really think I know what I want. If I get it, I'll know I was right. Let's see now.